If someone were to ask me to describe myself the first word that I would use would be Passionate. Why? Let me explain…. What are your memories of elementary? If I were to ask this question, and you were to close your eyes what would you picture? Most probable, cutting and glueing pieces of cartulina, running around in the playground fighting for the last empty swing.Yeah, those are not the exact memories that I have when I close my eyes. I was the kid who found it entertaining when assigned a new project and digged deep into every single aspect of the subject we were investigating. I made sure that I started reading chapter books a whole year before we were supposed; I had memorized the multiplication tables the summer before we were taught to subtract and well I loved it. It wasn't that I was forced nor I felt obligated to do so, but I loved it, I loved learning and I wasn't afraid to show it. Yes, I was THAT kid, the one you hated but desperately needed when the teacher asked you to get into groups of two for a project. My grades were exceptional, and I enjoyed going to school. As I moved into middle school, things changed drastically. I went from dominating every single assignment that I was given to not knowing what was going on. Long gone were the days when I could grasp the concept shown in class as soon as it was presented because I had looked at it on my own before. It was my first year in middle school, I was the first chair clarinet in the band and getting anything below a seven would be devastating. I had my first math exam; I had practiced and felt I did great, wait, no. I knew I had done superbly. At least, thats what I thought. I was in for a big surprise. I got my test back with a three on the top right-hand corner. It was a mistake; the teacher had obviously committed the biggest mistake ever. But she hadn’t. My cheeks flushed with frustrations, and my heart started beating faster, I was mad. Then came my humanities test, and my English test, and my science test and spanish too. The results were consistent, consistently low. I spent hours and hours studying at home, and in school I would sit alone and would only focus on my learning. A little dramatic for a sixth grader I know. But overachievin' is in my genes. I felt like I was running a marathon without any proper training, it was just the beginning and I was already losing my breath. Eleven year old Belen, decided that this was unacceptable so I would go to sleep too late, and wake up too early solely to go over textbooks and create note cards. By the end of the year, I was exhausted I had pushed myself to the limit, I lived stressed and anxious and I feared looking at my report card. But I got what I wanted. I got the highest average in the grade, but I wasn't even happy. Seventh grade started, and I started working as hard, but slowly I started missing doing sports and hanging out with my friends. I was tired and unhappy. Then eighth grade came, and slowly my grades went down. The teachers who knew me, gave me the same lecture again and again stating that I wasn't reaching my potential. Every time I heard it, I wanted to cry. No one understood that if I studied like any other kid in the class who got perfect scores on every test, I would probably fail. They didn't understand, that it took me much longer to understand a simple concept, I had a hard time taking notes and I would fall behind every class trying to catch up from the previous. I started feeling stupid and I let go, all together I decided that it wasn't worth it, I wasn't capable , I was dumb and no one wanted to tell it straight to my face. Every time I recovered a little bit of hope by looking at my previous perfect report cards and studied as hard as before for a test hoping to make an epic comeback my motivation would disappear as soon as my test grade came back. I was described as lazy, a negative learner, talkative and by having an “ attitude”. I hated school with all my life. Teachers gave up on me, and my parents insisted that I wasn't giving it my all. Until I exploded, I explained to my mother what I was experiencing so she took me to a doctor for an evaluation. I was diagnosed with ADD. For one whole year and a half, I was the ghost of Belen de los Heros. I had turned into such a brat, I lacked motivation that even by taking the pill there was no positive result. So the doctor would give me a higher dosage as a cure. My blood pressure would go down, I would be pale, my friends didn't understand why I spaced out so much and I wasn't feeling myself. They took the pill away and I went back to my usual self or even worse. I had given up complete hope of succeeding in school. I turned into a mediocre student who would survive doing the bare minimum and go to whatever college decided to accept her. Until I woke up, late but I did. I realised how passionate, and how much beautiful work I had created before and I had long forgotten the feeling of being proud of myself. So I worked harder, stayed up until later. I struggled, I got frustrated. What I considered to be the product of countless hours of work was considered below average and I was still drowning with getting back into my old habits. My grades did manage to bump up a bit, but they weren't anything but average. Being a junior I was worried about my future, a little late once again. So my mom took to take an evaluation to see which career was the best fit for me and my traits. When I got the results not only did I get a list of careers that matched my strengths, but the diagnosis of a severe case of ADD. They hadn't given me the right medication before, and everybody had given up on me because I gave up on being better. The neurologist was appalled that they hadn't figured this out when I was in pre k, and he felt extremely sorry for me knowing that I only had one year left of school. He explained to me that completing a regular task would take a normal person 10 minutes, it would probably take me 30. I wanted to cry, I was so frustrated. What would have happened if I had started taking the pill before? Would I be in a different position right now? But I decided that instead of worrying for what I could have been, I was ready to make that comeback that I had attempted one too many times. This times, the results were clear, and quick. I am extremely empathetic to all the people just like me, who have ADD, and were constantly mistaken for not caring. I am not saying that taking this little pill makes me get good grades, because that is not true. The combination of persistence, willpower and dedication with the help of the pill for the perfect balance of concentration I am back to restoring that passion that I once had for learning.
Most importantly, I have restored the idea that that had been for me. I know i am not lazy nor talentless, nor hopeless. I spent many years without knowing, and feeling disappointed but when I really wanted I did it. It may have taken a little too long, and the results weren’t the best but I managed to overcome it.
Without that angst, and lack of motivation I am prepared to finish school with a bang.
So yes.
Hi my name is Belen de los Heros and I am responsible for the murder of my ADD.
Most importantly, I have restored the idea that that had been for me. I know i am not lazy nor talentless, nor hopeless. I spent many years without knowing, and feeling disappointed but when I really wanted I did it. It may have taken a little too long, and the results weren’t the best but I managed to overcome it.
Without that angst, and lack of motivation I am prepared to finish school with a bang.
So yes.
Hi my name is Belen de los Heros and I am responsible for the murder of my ADD.